Occasionally I get these urges to see some little corner of the universe fall before my concept of fasciest perfection. Usually these things ferment (or foment) upstairs for quite awhile, eventually falling on She Dragon’s patient ears but rarely traveling further. But now that The Mindlab is my podium to the world everyone can know the narrowly focused brilliance of my visions.
So far though there are only two real world-changing visions I can remember having and deigning to share here, the first being The Ideal Pants. But my more recent, further reaching ideal, fresh off the drawing board is sure to revolutionize not only this website, nor just the internet. Nay it will impact the very structure of the English language itself.
Ladies and gentelemen I bring you (crudely rendered with in the modern alphabet): The Alpha-eps!
See here’s the thing: When I went to school we learned how to spell phonetically. Now I picked this up pretty well, but there were alot of letter combinations that didn’t quite make sense and letters that could be pronounced a bunch of different ways on the basis of arcane rules like “I before E except after C while sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh”. What is up with that!? Heck there are even letters that aren’t pronounced at all and sounds that can be made using a couple different letters.
The English language has a bunch of anachronistic hold-over spellings from times when people didn’t know how to write, or probably how to pronounce what they were saying half the time either. Well I say enough! Enough pronouncing the “ch” as in “chains”! Enough extra letters like Q and C where a simple K will do! And enough pronouncing A as “ey”, “a”, “o”!
Well down with the alphabet I say! Let there be one letter per sound and one sound per letter!
All hail the glorious equiphony of The Alpha-eps!
(er… “Alfuepc” that is)
Note: I think I got all the sounds in the English language in there (apart from a few unstressed vowels like that schwa dingie). But in the innovative nature of it’s cause the alfuepc is open to suggestions for improvement.
Update 2/27/17: Seeing the way our country has been heading recently, I might not have thrown around the word “fascist” around in such a flippant manner had I known then what I know now.