Proto-Con 2005 Wrap-up

This just in: Proto-Con 2005 – Monstrous Success!

If you weren’t fortunate enough to attend this year’s Proto-Con, then you’d better bust out your calendar and start planning to attend the next one! To tide you over till then, here’s a quick run-down of the major events, incidents and adventures.

Star Frontiers -RPG:

Looking at the Star Frontiers box with its Larry Elmore painting brandishing its front, it’s hard not to recall a time when you still had to color in the dice numbers with a white crayon. Star Frontiers is not a game for the White Wolf crowd and their Stanislavski method-acting antics, but those of the old-school hack and slash. And does the introductory adventure, SF-0, Crash of Volturnus ever deliver! Opening on-board a star vessel over-run with space pirates so generic it is shocking they don’t come with their own white labels, the adventure eventually twists and turns to wind up on the planet Volturnus, where if you haven’t guessed already, the party crashes head first into a straight up dungeon (or cavern) crawl. The only thing the adventure is missing is an involved cab combat/chase/bartering sequence that the introductory rule book promised. I think I smell next year’s game: Star FrontiersCab WarZ.

The big question on everybody’s mind though is just who won this year’s Proto-Con adventure of choice? The GM or the players embarking on it? Certainly Grue’s successful bonding with the Natives won us XP points, but it doesn’t take finger math to figure out that waking up a giant hibernating albino bear to be a good move. As it turned out, the party beat the livid frak out of that bear and lived to brag about it. Final verdict: Win for the party – that is until next year of course, when the albino bear returns to rampage in the streets of Cab WarZ.


Everyone who attended this year’s Proto-Con got a Proto-Bag of mad goodies. Included in every bag were crazy dice, Homestar Runner patches, pens, pins, a mix CD and a boatload of adds. Sound like fun? Well you’d better be sure to come next year so you can get your goodie bag, too!

Canned Biscuit Cook Off:

Canned biscuits taste so good. Heck – even raw canned biscuits taste good. How can you make a canned biscuit taste even better? That is just the question that 2005’s Proto-Con Canned Biscuit Cook-Off put to the test.

I was certain the way to make a canned biscuit better was to have it be honey flavored and amp you like a 30-mega-tons of Red Bull. Or rather, so I thought when I had the divine vision to make the first ever honey-snuff-biscuit (rubbing snuff that is). Evidently though, the snuff biscuit was atrocious. You can’t be a winner every year.

The real winners of the Canned Biscuit Cook-Off were Megan, Dragon and Bear. Bear’s dish, a variation of pigs in a blanket, was not only the most speedily prepared, but it was an oh-so-tasty-feast of grease. Megan’s and Dragon’s dishes on the other hand took a little longer – but wow was the wait ever worth it! Both dishes were not only original recipes, but offered complexity and thought perhaps never devoted to the canned biscuit in the history of the world. Megan’s, a biscuit and chocolate pudding savory sweet, had a presentation so spectacular, it looked like it had been torn right out of the Iron Chef’s cookbook. Dragon’s hearty biscuit quiche may have been more practical in its presentation, but man was it ever hearty! There is little doubt that it could have sustained a tribe of starving Cub Scouts abandoned in the Tundra for a month. Hopefully both Dragon and Megan will post their recipes at some point. If they don’t – badger them, because they’d otherwise be doing a grave injustice by depriving everyone of their culinary delights.

Cardboard Mania & Critical Fowl:

I’m not going to say a whole bunch about this other than: Dick made a 20-sided die, Dragon made a pair of mobile arms and I made a duck in commemoration of the Ward Foundation. We combined them all together to make one construction of pure-duck-insanity called Critical Fowl. The best part is we shot a video. You’ll have to wait until November to see the video though.


While Thom genuinely liked Héctor Olivera’s Barbarian Queen (1985) starring Lana Clarkson, the general consensus was stay away – far away. Although Barbarian Queen had some half decent fighting scenes and enough fan-service to keep any high-school virgin busy for a week, the plot left a lot to be desired. My suggestion is, stick to one or the other: for S&F stick to Deathstalker (also starring Clarkson) and for T&A stick to (or get sticky with) Misty Mundae.

Where Barbarian Queen fell a little short, Carl Gottlieb’s Caveman (1981) was a gem in the rough. What could be any better than Ringo Starr and cute-as-a-button Shelly Long running around as caveman and cavegirl? According to DJ Webb, the only person who didn’t give Caveman the thumbs up, a lot. Don’t worry DJ Webb, we’ll watch Fuzz next year.

So there you have it. I’d like to thank everyone who came out to this year’s Proto-Con and made it one of the truly more memorable events that has done to date. Here’s looking to next year, Kirk!

To boldy go where no man has gone before.

7 thoughts on “Proto-Con 2005 Wrap-up

  1. Ahem…two things. First of all, Mikey, none of the links you put up for me work…it looks like you put in the address twice. Second of all, I’m a bit put out that you didn’t say a word about my French toast.

  2. Well megan I’ll say that your french toast was quite tasty. I appreciated the powdered sugar touch, and the fact that you came over at that early hour just to cook it.

  3. Thank you very much. I’m glad you enjoyed it. The bread worked really well. Next time, though, I’ll try a bread without oats on top…they conflicted with the overall texture of the meal.

  4. The con was definitely clawsome. I think everyone was in the right mood for everything that went on. Plus, it balanced having projects without being too ambitious. Good show.

    btw, I hear there is a Barbarian Queen II.

  5. Let’s say there are five countries each wanting to make a movie. One attempts to shoulder the burden of low production values and bad acting. The inhabitants of another have their heart set on some wholesome family fun. The third nation earnestly wants to truthfully emulate the gritty and sordid reality of some long gone era (though perhaps they’re not sure which). The fourth desires dynamic and lethal action scenes. And the fifth simply panders titilating smut, shaking it in your face and calling out “howd’ya like them apples” as loudly as possible.

    Given these five different inclinations to film-making as embodied in geographic regions then I think it’s safe to say that Barbarian Queen is the mutual boundary of all these places, representing some sort of non-euclidian solution to the four color map problem.

    If Barbarian Queen II is anything like the first one I don’t think there’s any way I can in good conscience watch it.

    Too bad there’s not a Caveman II though. I know it wasn’t DJ Webb’s cup of tea (or whatever it is you drink over there), but I could watch Ringo Starr’s wacky hijinks and that lumbering T-rex wring it’s hands in delight a few more times. Of course if there was a newer version it’d probably all be CGI and look too slick, like the most recent Godzilla movie or something.

    I’ve got to agree with dick on the mood and pacing too: good vibe there IMHO.

    Thanks guys (and gal) for makin this out of town Jasper feel at home.

  6. Megan – Sorry about not mentioning the French Toast. It was excellent though – like Dragon said.

    Here’s a poem that might make my not mentioning a little better:

    Of all the French Toast I love Megan’s Most.

    Dragon – I’ll watch Barbarian Queen II and let you know how it is. I think they were running it on one of the Action channels a while back. It actually looks like it is rated higher than Barbarian Queen. Although, Barbarian Queen II had far less votes.

    As for Caveman II, I can only hope that they make it before Ringo gets too old.

  7. Thanks Mikey…excellent homage to my French toast. Sorry for giving you a hard time about it.

    Glad you boys had a fun time. 🙂

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