“Dire-er and dire-er,” thought Alice.

Yesterday I was killing time on RPG.net and stumbled across this thread.

The premise, for those of you not well schooled in the Dungeons & Dragons roleplaying game, is that in recent editions D&D has been putting some unlikely looking things among it’s weapon choices for player characters. These include things like:

The Orc Double Axe – Think of two axes joined butt to butt.

The Dire Flail – two spiked ball and chains joined butt to butt.

The Dwarven Urgrosh – an axe with a spear point comming out of the butt.

The author starts out posting a few examples of progressively less likely weapons that he’s made up, like these. And then people take the ball (and chain) and run with it.

So, being the ardent embelisher of trends that I am, I tried my own hand at a couple.

In one of the old AD&D (2nd Ed.) Monsterous Manuels there’s a picture (by Tony DiTerlizzi no less) of a kobold carrying a stick with a scorpion dangling from the end. Neat idea, but more of a prototype, a proof of concept piece if you will.

The ultimate expression of a kobold weapon-smith’s art would probably come in the form of:

The Octo-Dire Scorpion Flail Propeller Beanie

Such a weapon would indeed be deadly, nigh unstoppable even. But stories presist of how, in days of yore, followers (cultists if you will) of the Asure Mollusc Sect drove back the beanie-clad hoards. Their signature weapon of choice in doing so being none other than:

The Khopesh of Confusion

About Peter

This guy lives in Boston MA with his beloved wife and two kids. You can get some idea of his likes and dislikes from posts on this website or elsewhere.

4 thoughts on ““Dire-er and dire-er,” thought Alice.

  1. My God, I don’t know which weapon I’d be saving up for first! Though, looking at them, since you use one on your head, and the other in your hands… it might be possible to use both weapons at once. Hopefully the DM woudn’t be a dire butt about it though and make me get a double weapon proficiency.

    And how do you do the pictures? Did you draw the one, and then cobble the other together by cutting and pasting?

  2. Yup, you got it.

    It’s amazing what you can do with just the MS Paint program.

    The “Flip/Rotate” command is my friend. You should be able to find a the less dire version of that khopesh by using the Google image search function to look up “khopesh”.

Comments are closed.