Bernheim, one of Governor Hentoff’s lackeys, was vomiting off behind a trash receptacle. I wasn’t big on politics, but for what it is worth, Bernheim would have been an idiot regardless of his profession. That morning and before the black hole had opened up in the middle of Chicago, he’d eaten three cheese steaks.
“Try not to get any of that on the floor, Berny – they just waxed in here!” I called out as I clacked away on the keyboard.
“Fu— blauguguguguguguugugug!” replied Bernheim.
I laughed. My laughter was quickly quelled though. We were in big trouble and by my calculations had 1 hour and 17 minutes to stop a black hole from consuming all of Chicago. In another twenty-four hours, it would be the world.
Doctor Wheat, Belinda, was racing through the printouts. Sure, she had a dumb last name, but what a rack. Besides being a knockout, she was great in bed. I had designs to marry her one day, but for now I was content to sleep with her.
Beside Belinda was Jerry Norman. Jerry was a top-notch scientist, but to be blunt, my brain was more powerful than his. Of course, this accounted for why Belinda slept in my bed and not his. Besides not possessing the mind I did, Jerry was a nervous wreck. Normally he was all ulcers and covered in sweat. Right now, however, he looked like the Amazon during rain season, and I figured it was moments before his stomach acid erupted from his naval like a geyser.
“Belinda,” I asked, “have you turned anything up in the printouts yet?”
Belinda shook her head no. “No, I haven’t.” Even in a time of crisis she
“Goddammit, none of this makes sense!” screamed Jerry.
“Jerry, dude, man, comrade – take a chill pill,” I said.
Jerry glared at me. “How the hell can I be calm in a time like this?!?! We’re all gonna die ’cause a black hole has just opened up in Chicago and no one knows how to stop it! No one even knows how it happened! It’s impossible!”
“According to what we know,” I said.
Jerry looked at me, and so did Belinda. Even Bernheim stopped vomiting for a brief second.
“What???” asked Jerry flabbergasted.
“I said, according to what we know. We need to think outside of the box Jerry. We need to think like a black hole.”
Jerry nodded his head. “Okay… but how?”
“We need a fourth science to defeat the black hole,” I said. “Chemistry, physics and geology can’t explain what is happening. In fact, if you combined all those sciences, you still couldn’t explain things. So we need a new science, a fourth science. Then we can fight the black hole. We need *blackholeology*.”
“I thought… there were –”
I finished Jerry’s sentence. “More sciences? Like Biology?”
“Yeah…,” said Jerry.
“The black hole just ate biology, Jerry. You’ve gotta quit thinking like a scientist and start thinking like a black hole.”
Bernheim started vomiting again and I winked at Belinda.