Kobold, Goblin & Orc Retirement Home: The Adventure

In the first episode of Terry Trucker the Midnight Trucker, Terry gives a ride to Ian who’s a little distraught over having lost his job at Banana Pancakes. Will Terry be able to give Ian the business advice he needs to make his dreams come true? Hop aboard and, “Don’t give up on your dreams!”

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Recently, I searched around for some kind of service to scan it all in for me for a price, but it appears that most of those places cater to businesses. Scanning all my crap on a flatbed scanner was depressing since it would be way too slow of a process. I even thought about renting storage space to store this crap in just to free up closet space.

Things changed during my brief tenure at a nuclear power plant, where I was introduced to a $5000 document scanner than could scan 90 double sided pages a minute (180 pages). It was crazy. It was also $5000. Sure it slowed down when you scanned at a resolution I would use (600 dpi) for archiving important stuff, but you could still chew through a binder of papers in 5 minutes or so. A little bit of research turned up their consumer version for $400, the Fujitsu ScanSnap ix500. I figured that would be small price to pay to allow me to part with some of my crap with no guilt, so I bought one. It scans about 30 pages per minute at 600 dpi, which is 60 pages if you are scanning in duplex.

This thing is amazing. So far in the two weeks I’ve had it, I’ve scanned over 5000 pages¹, enough to fill a 12″ x 12″ x 24″ box. Most of this stuff was handwritten notes, written lightly in pencil on an assortment of paper types (legal paper, notebook paper, engineering graph paper, and printer paper). The auto adjustments for darkness are pretty much perfect and so far everything has come out great. Better than what I got from the aforementioned $5000 scanner. The software will also automatically remove blank pages, i.e., the back sides of paper if you are scanning in duplex. The OCR is pretty quick too, so you can get searchable PDFs. If you are on Windows (I’m not) you also get a full version of Adobe Acrobat X, which is a pretty nice program.

In addition to my old physics notes, I’ve been archiving old investment and bank statements, allowing me to shred that stuff and get rid of it. Once the years of backlog material is worked through, when a new bill or statement comes through, it will take about 20 seconds to scan it and file it.

This short review probably sounds like I’m getting paid to write it. I know I don’t normally write shit like this, but this is seriously a really useful purchase that will change the way I deal files. If you don’t have as big of a backlog as I do, I think Fujitsu sells slower but cheaper scanners. I figured I’d spend the extra money since after I finish my files, I’m going to work several other people’s files, and the extra speed will pay off.

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Endless Love

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Cocaine: One Man’s Seduction

The apparently official way to pour a Black and Tan-type drink is with a pouring spoon, one with a bend in the middle of the handle that lets it rest on the side of the glass with the spoon concave-side down. I could have ordered one from Amazon for $8, but instead I went to the Goodwill thrift store and got a spoon for $0.27. A couple minutes with pliers and I had my pouring spoon.

I’m not 100% sure what the spoon does, but I can only guess that since the darker drink doesn’t have as far to fall it has a better time staying at the top.

Here’s the first pour. Something wasn’t right, as the separation line was fuzzier than I expected. Then I remembered hearing that you have to pour the tan portion quickly, making about as much head as possible. I’m not sure if it’s that the ale part is less turbulent without the bubbles or it’s actually heavier with the bubbles removed, but it stayed put much better when I did it.

Here’s the final spreadsheet of the over 50 games beaten.

You can see my contributions as “Ken Oh”. You’ll notice me manning my favorites, such as Rygar and Zelda 2 (the latter on original hardware, meaning I lost a couple of hours to glitching). Some of the more epic achievements were Gremlins 2, Batman, Astyanax, Castlevania III, Castlevania: Dracula X, and Street Fighter 2 (on an actual arcade cabinet, with difficulty on the DIP switch put to max). Orb-3D also requires special mention for endurance. It’s a shame that no one made it through to see the end with me, as it took me until 6:30AM to finish it. I had to leave the end screen on for the others to make note of when they woke up a few hours after that.

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Sometime near the end of 2011, I started playing D&D again with some people I knew in college. It was fun. Then I moved. I realized that finally technology had gotten to the point where we could conceivably run some games virtually. We could all get on Google Hangouts and video chat at the same time. As a bonus, you can share documents and pictures in your session, so I could throw up a map or something and people could draw little icons representing where they were, etc. I talked it over with people and everyone seemed interested.

After moving, life was a bit hectic for all of us. Tom got married and Mike and Joe had just moved too. Things finally settled down after the new year and we scheduled our first session to test out video chatting and to roll up some characters.

Things were a little rough, but promising. I discussed (virtually) with everyone different options I was thinking about for maps:

• No maps like we used to play in 2nd edition — all in your head.
• Using a Google sketch document to place a background image and move around icons.
• Use a program like Maptool.
• Use a cross between the two above options, like Tabletop Forge.

Everyone seemed to want to avoid the first option for now and try out 3rd edition’s more tactical battle, which requires a map and miniatures. So we tried using a sketch document as a makeshift map. My take on that: It can work, but it’s a pain in the butt. It’d probably work better in a 2nd edition environment to indicate positioning, but with anything that requires more precise locations, like attacks of opportunity, etc., it becomes a bit of a headache. The number one problem is there is no way to lock the background image, so if anyone, player or GM, misses an icon and accidentally targets the map, the map gets dragged. Which is a drag.

We also checked out Tabletop Forge. It worked in the Google Hangouts environment, and provided some extra functionality over a sketch document and wasn’t as involved as a full-blown solution like Maptool. Unfortunately, it was still too early in the development phase to work (in my mind).¹

Lastly, we tried Maptool. I had some issues getting the right ports open on my router in the first go, but Brian and Mike really liked the idea of the more sophisticated map. I didn’t exactly relish all the extra preparation that would go into running a game with Maptool, but it was duly noted how much they seemed to like the idea, so I told them I’d investigate it a bit more.

The next day or so, I stumbled upon Roll20. Wow! This was it. A nice clean easy to use interface, the ability to use it within Google Hangouts if you wanted (we don’t yet), and some nifty extra features like visual line of sights, fog of war, and keeping track of some simple stats like hit points. I started loading in maps right away.

That was about a month ago. We’ve actually had 2 or 3 playing sessions, and besides the one where Mike’s computer kept overheating and shutting down, it works surprisingly well. One game has been completed, A Dark and Stormy Knight, which was free from Wizards of the Coast. This past weekend, we just started on The Keep on the Borderlands, by request of Mike. It’s a pretty shitty adventure in many ways since there’s so little in the way of a plot actually in the module. Unfortunately, not only do to my lack the motivation to really make it good, my skills are a wee bit rusty. Hopefully it will turn out okay though. In a future post, after we finish it, I’ll put up some of the extra maps I drew for the game and do a post-mortem.

Bit Brigade, which plays rock renditions of video games while one of the band members plays completely through the game. Above they’re finishing up Contra. Photo by “GlamGoreMuffin”

MAGFest, or the Music And Gaming Festival, is a non corporate-sponsored gathering of gaming culture and everything nerd that is adjacent to that. The main attractions there are many diverse musical acts, “celebrity” speakers, panels, arcade cabinets, board game rooms, LAN rooms, and merch tables. You might find the composers of classic games such as Final Fantasy or Castlvania, flown in from Japan just to be at MAG. You might find also find people dressed as their favorite Muppets. At times, there’s little coherence in the fest, but it comes together. And, the nerds come in droves. Over 9000 were in attendance this year, which was up by 3000 from last year, which was up by 3000 from the year before that.

Cory “Demonstray” Harbak’s copy of Castlevania, signed by Kinuyo Yamashita aka. James Banana, composer of the game’s music.

To explain my experience with MAGFest, I need to drop some history. I’ll try to be brief.

I joined the TheShizz message forum back in 2003. There I connected with other enthusiasts for the Minibosses, a band that does rock/metal-ish covers of Nintendo Entertainment System game music (Side note: I remember being jealous that someone else thought of this idea before I did). Connecting with other forum goers eventually led to going to concerts. In early 2004, someone who went by “thegreenzebra” on the forums asked if I wanted to carpool with him to a Minibosses show in Philadelphia.

Chilling in the Shizz suite at the Gaylord hotel, watching someone play Muppet Adventure: Chaos at the Carnival for the NES. Photo by Shervz0r.

“thegreenzebra” also told me he created a convention where the Minibosses will be playing later that year. That was MAG III, where Mike and I were 2 out of the 500 in attendance. I reconnected with a few of the peeps from TheShizz, including “thegreenzebra” who later started to be known as “MrMAGFest”. The most vivid part of MAG III for me was noticing someone familiar in the corner of my eye. It was Daniel “kareshi” Brown, who I knew as regular poster on TheShizz and the guy who covered a lot of NES music on piano. Later he would bag the world record speed runs for Jaws and Ghost ‘n Goblins . I got to meet and know kareshi and many others through the community via the yearly festivals. And, by many others, I mean there were over 110 Shizzies, as we’ve become to be known, at MAG VIII, and over 90 at this last iteration, some coming from locations as remote as Alaska and Iceland.

Brandon “Djinnocide” Fincher posing with Borderlands cosplayers.

I used to think MAGFest was big at 500 people. I used to think a few musical acts each night during the weekend was almost too much to ask for. Now, it’s almost too much for my constitution to handle. There is usually always someone playing in one of the multiple concert halls between Thursday night until well after midnight Sunday morning. The chairs in the back of the concert halls get good use because some people just can’t stand up anymore. Not to mention the game rooms, panels, and film screenings all go 24 hours.

In previous years, I always tried to divide my time a little between all that MAG has to offer. However, this time I didn’t touch a single arcade cabinet, and I left the panel and film rooms unbreached. I kept it pure by standing in concerts until my feet ached and partying with my Shizz brothers and sisters until passing out.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of time and attention, let me direct you to a big highlight for me this year: Super Guitar Bros. You would think a decade of MAGFests would leave little room for novelty, but these guys are truly new and amazing. They don’t have an album out yet, but their concert was beyond description. Here is a live studio track just to give you an idea.

final pb h264 from vimeow fumie hangoverski huang on Vimeo.

Nonetheless, it is Jan. 1st, 2013, the Mayans were off, and I want 2013 to be a triumphant year for Protozoic.

So without further ado, here is Protozoic’s resolution for 2013: more posts. The inter-web RPG game alone will surely generate fodder.

Enter the 9th Molehole.

Leftovers from Lucas Ostrowski on Vimeo.

• Damn Interesting
• Wikipedia page
• Oil Rig Disasters

This might be the ad for the Airwolf copter, scanned from Excalibur #3, published in Dec. 1988.

Excalibur #4, published in January of 1989, would contain an ad for the Top Gun jet.

LJ’s Trip, The Hands of Time, Episode 4 from Matt Brunson on Vimeo.

If you need to do your own, look below.

The episode takes place in a stylish Steampunk universe where Gray makes a cameo as a Steampunk clock repairman. Episode 3’s steamy design was created by Brunson from his home which was infested by a colony of bats at the time. Not unlike a certain Bruce Wayne, Brunson relied on imaginary wealth, black spray paint, and Morgan Freeman to create his inspired collection.

LJ’s Trip ep 3 — The Horrible Houdini from Matt Brunson on Vimeo.

Read Victoria Bekiempis’s blog post about the film in The Village Voice here.

Lj’s Trip ep 2 — The Origin of Toolz from Matt Brunson on Vimeo.

Hello, how are you, we have new news, we now have the pleasure to dedicate a new species named Downeshelea grogani, for your super work Ceratopogonidae of the world, with many happy to honor your important work in the biting midges systematic as you were the creator of the genus.

Mis mejores deseos.

Herón Huerta. Ok

A new species and new records of Downeshelea Wirth & Grogan in Neotropical Mexico (Diptera: Ceratopogonidae)

Translation: There is yet another bug that shares my last name.

Here’s the scrapple:

Here’s the video.

More interesting to me is a link I’ve been getting on my flickr account. On one specific picture (shown above). The link is from Baidu, a Chinese search engine. It’s very popular over there from what I understand. Anyway, the search phrase is obviously ‘foot licking’. I’m guessing they didn’t get what they were looking for when they clicked through.

It was neat as a kid. Finding the jars of dead animals as an adult while packing up the house and moving was kind of strange.

Jar mole and several other specimens are still with us. Mike took them to Athens; his roommate wanted them for props in a film. They will be joining the frozen spiders that he is storing in the freezer.

First there was this (in Spain).

Then, when we had our English friend listen to a radio broadcast of some of the thickest Eastern Shore accent on record, she mentioned she could hear traces of Cornwall in it. I think that’s quite plausible. After all, there isn’t much lifestyle difference between being a Cornish fisherman and a Smith Island ‘woodermin’.

And, lastly, there has been Doc Martin. Even the patient who came in to see the Doc on account of a ‘bad pasty’ didn’t deter me from needing to taste one myself.

A pasty (pronounced PASS-tee…not to be confused with what you can find in tamer strip clubs) is really just a Hot Pocket. Rather, Hot Pockets ripped off the concept of the Cornish Pasty. According to our English friend, they were an invention of Cornish miners, who would eat the pasty with their bare hands, and discard whatever parts of the shell that got soiled. It’s a shame the fishermen didn’t eat these too, or we might have been able to just go get a famous Smith Island Pasty. So, after my Shooter’s Sandwich adventure, chalk this up to another episode of Dick Tries to Cook Weird, Meaty English Food.

The recipes online were all really simple. Make a dry stew with some simple spices thrown in, stuff that into a pie crust, and bake. The spices on all of the recipes weren’t even exotic. Just salt and pepper.

In the end, for me, it was just:

• potato
• carrot
• stew beef
• turnip (this and all of the above cubed)
• salt

• pepper (both black and white…I wanted to add marjoram, but I misplaced mine during prep)

• Bake @ 450 for 10 minutes, then @ 350 for 35 minutes

To make it even simpler, most recipes give you permission to cheat and just use store-bought pie crust (the refrigerated kind that comes rolled-up). However, this was not actually the best idea, for several reasons you will see later.

Throw those together and you’ve got a massive pasty. Brushing over the closed pasty with egg (barring that, milk) gives the crust a little extra something.

And, now we see the problem with the store-bought crust. It was way too big for this purpose. Like an idiot, I stuffed them as big as I could, which was bad. It was also too crumbly and not doughy enough for this, and thus broke apart before, during, and after baking.

Still, this was one damned good hot meal. It’s got all the beef and potatoes needed to sustain this Grogan.

The 3rd pasty which I had to save to bake later held together, despite not being really any different. Still, watching Cornish grannies make these on Youtube led me astray. I should have just search the Internet for images on which to base the style. That’ll have to wait for next time, when I attempt making my own crust.

• Turkey Breasts
• Risks
• Street Corner Part I
• Street Corner Part II
• Disco Jesus
• Young Goodman Brown
• Man vs. Machine
• Rad
• May I Have Some Cake Please
• Disabled vs. Wild I
• Disabled vs. Wild II

I haven’t attacked Chupacabra and Spontaneous Combustion yet, because compressing them for the web will take about 20 hours a piece. So I thought, I might try to color correct these videos prior to compressing them.

Tracks “Hesitation,” “Ablified” and “Without You,” the last of which features Queen of Quartz, are already new favorites. Other tracks like “A Place I’ll Return to Someday (With Nobuo Uematsu)” make me smile far more than the new Peter Jackson Hobbit trailer. And then there is the title track, “Weird Town,” which feels like falling in love in the 90s only to wake up in a Super Mario-fied haunted castle. The album also features the rocking Mixel Pixel cover “Ten Cent Whiskey” and Amps cover “Bragging Party.”

Snee reports that there should be more Dust Condom in 2012. But if you can’t wait till then, check out the “Sneeadelic Christmas” album by Snee & Friends, which features “Another Christmas without You (Winter is a Bitch),” a track that deserves a stocking on the mantel alongside the Pogue’s “Fairytale Of New York” and other bittersweet Christmas songs.

The Flying Saucer Film from Riley Gibson on Vimeo.

Early last year, I gave my 0–100 opinion on 1723 individual tracks from the soundtracks of games on the Nintendo Entertainment System. The above is the result of my ratings combined with those of 99 other 8-bit game music enthusiasts.

I participate in the community of the fanbase of The Minibosses, a rock band which exclusively covers video game music from the NES. We’re known as The Shizz, after the domain which hosts The Minibosses’ forum, as well as other indie outfits in the Phoenix, AZ area. 100 members of The Shizz participated, but only 11 of us were able to complete them all, including myself. I don’t want to do the math on 1723 times ~1.5 minutes per listen for all of the nominated tracks, but it was at times a grueling processes. However, I’m proud to have participated, and I like the fact that I gave the lowest average rating out of anyone who gave more than a couple hundred ratings. Here is a big list of my ratings, in descending scores.

After a year’s worth of deliberation (mainly taking screenshots and getting people to write the reviews), the organizer for the project, someone I know simply as “juef”, has released the results. He did a countdown sort of thing, but I figured I’d wait to let you guys see the results in their entirety. Most tracks can be listened to via a Flash player right on the page, but that will sometimes not work correctly.

As far as the results, they don’t look at that much like mine, which is to be expected. A lot of “popular” tunes found their way to high positions, but that wasn’t too excessive. I’m only really butthurt about Godzilla #2 coming in 189th place.

1. Jonny McDugan Chook Industries Highlights Introduction
2. Flip and Jake Jackson Breakfast Show with Dave Cross
3. Mike Tyson Rap #1
4. Our Answering Machine
5. Flip and Jake Jackson — DJ Competition
6. Dog #1
7. Mike Tyson Rap #2
8. Flip and Jake Jackson — Sheckles
9. Mike Tyson — A Letter
10. Nina
11. Puddies
12. Flip and Jake Jackson — Wallflowers
13. Jacob Dylan w/ Highway 666
14. Dog #2
15. Police
16. Flip and Jake Jackson — Woody H.
17. Hemp Devil
18. Mike Tyson — A Prank Phone Call
19. Dog #3
20. Jonny McDugan Outakes
21. Tribute to Jonny McDugan 99
22. Chilean Folk Song

Roadwork (m4a)

Roadwork (midi)

Note: It should be noted that the original title and content of this post originally used ‘Protocon 4.0′. Comments however have not been update to reflect this change.

I started by finding my “crusty loaf” at Panera Bread. As much as it embarrasses me to go to a chain for this leg of the quest, the only other options were Korean bakeries, whose loaves have a completely different consistency than I was looking for, or a supermarket, which didn’t yield anything when I tried. The sourdough breadbowl at Panera was as close as I could find, even if it was a little small for the task. As you can see, the it was small enough that I could fit my hands around the edge.

The rest of the items were easy enough to find. I was surprised to not find shallots at the Korean grocery (up until this point, the end-all to any produce query), but a regular supermarket had them. I got those steaks hoping they would shrink down and fatten up. Note: the 3rd steak, not pictured, was sitting in bulgogi marinade, waiting to be grilled at a friend’s cook-out later in the day.

I pulled the innards out of the bread, calling it, and an apple, lunch.

I was reminded why I hate chopping mushrooms. If there is an automatic mushroom slicer-dicer on the market, I am the target consumer for it. This was my first time working with shallots, which Buff’s dad (a legendary chef) swears by, and I never realized how tedious they would be for me to work with. The recipe above calls for 500 grams of mushrooms and half that of shallots. I halved that order, considering the small loaf, and added 2 cloves of garlic.

I tried to cook the mixture down to the dark color seen in the article, but this is all I could manage after quite a while. Oh, and want to read something that’ll piss you off? Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce has fucking high fructose corn syrup in it.

A searing-hot, dry pan with 2 steaks. Given my lack of experience with steak and my trouble seeing colors, I probably over-cooked the steaks a little, erring on the side of caution.

I didn’t think the first steak was going to fit, so I trimmed a little off of the side. It was a good choice. If I weren’t going to be eating steak later that night, those trimmings would have been lunch 2.0. I forgot to snap a pic of the mushroom mixture going in after the first steak. Halving that was also a good choice, as I used maybe only 3/4th of it.

I took a more off of the 2nd steak than I did the 1st, since there was less room near the top. Now, I’m not really a horseradish kind of girl, so I just opted for Dijon on the top of the loaf.

I picked up freezer paper for this, which I think was the best option available. Wax paper didn’t sound right, and neither did parchment.

I don’t yet own cooking twine, but Buff and I did register for it for our wedding at Williams and Sonoma. Better just use clear tape today.

A cutting board and “as much weight as I can find”? How about 53 lbs. of kettlebell? I actually tried to put another 55 lbs. (in the form of two more kettlebells, one 20 and the other 35), but between hearing the sandwich groan under the weight and not being able to balance it all in the first place, I decided 53 lbs. was enough. Leaving this in its state during the day, I went to the party, wondering what I’ll see what I get back.

So, it looks like the Guardian’s author’s note of “as many weights as you can find” can be taken too literally. The 53 lbs. was probably OK, but when I tried to double that, it was crossing the line.

If you look at the sides, you can see what happened. Under the extreme weight, the mushroom mixture got pushed to the edges, making that soggy and bursting the paper in some parts. Another lesson learned: a cleaver doesn’t cut this paper well. Best to use a serrated knife.

Still, even after eating steak for dinner, this is quite a tasty sandwich to come home to at midnight. I gave that small wedge a try, and liked what I tasted. The dijon comes through surprisingly strong. I can’t wait to eat the rest of this during the next week.

There’s a bug in my TV. He’s between the backlight and the LCD. It’s bugging me.

Visit “DO NOT RUB YOUR EYES” here.

Mike got a picture from David for Christmas. It’s a signed photograph of Kevin Sorbo with the message, ‘Conan is a fricking wimp!!’

Spontaneous Combustion was shot in 2004 and is the Cave of Trouble’s second movie. It remains essential viewing for any serious researcher of spontaneous human combustion (SHC), and is recommended for anyone who is interested in conspiracy theory. It also features what was arguably the Cave of Trouble’s only minor hit, “May I Have Some Cake Please.” This would certainly be different if the band had of put out the still unreleased lost treasure, “Get Away from Me.” Or maybe not.

The movie currently exists in a form on Protozoic, but the version is pretty low resolution. Now, thank goodness, you can watch it on your phone in this new version.

This is an old pic that I never scanned for real. I know the world has moved on from role playing games in general, and 2nd Edition AD&D specifically, but 2nd Ed. is where it’s at.

Strange crackers we buy periodically at Ollie’s. Crab seasoned corn bread crackers.

The pepper jack dip was disgusting. Mike bought that. It was like melted plastic.

In Nara, there were deer everywhere.